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C-SPAN, Congress join fight against teen pregnancy

Efforts to reduce teen pregnancy rates in the United States just got a new ally – Congress.

According to the House Sergeant At Arms office, the congressional dress code – which requires men to wear jackets and ties when on the floor of both the U.S. House of Representatives and the Senate – will be updated next month to require all members of Congress to dress more provocatively.

“Nothing will do more to discourage teen pregnancies,” said a spokesman, “than seeing Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) fight for America’s natural resources in a triple-wide scoop neck sweater, or Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kan.) discuss ethics reform in jeggings. The thought of either makes most people want to do anything but have sex.”

In addition, Senate President Pro Tempore Patrick Leahy will preside over Senate floor activities in breathy, romantic tones while House members will close each days’ one-minute remarks and colloquies with the phrase “in bed.”

A pregnant womanTo protect Social Security, Medicare and numerous other federal services plagued by financial challenges posed by population spikes, like the post-war Baby Boom of the 1940s and 1950s, experts say unconventional means are needed now more than ever.

“As the nation’s high schools continue to rely on C-SPAN to supplement civics coursework,” said U.S. Education Secretary Arne Duncan, “we believe seeing elected officials dress and speak like sexually promiscuous teens will actually reduce teen pregnancy nationwide and, ultimately, protect America’s seniors.”

“It makes me sick just thinking about it,” he added. “It’s like saltpeter for the brain.”

In 2011, a total of 329,797 babies were born in the U.S. to girls between the ages of 15 and 19 – or 31.3 births per every 1,000 girls, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That number dropped to 29.4 per every 1,000 the following year.

Since its creation in 1979, pregnancy rates among C-SPAN viewers have plummeted even faster than the national average, supporting the belief that television coverage of politicians can curb unwanted population growth.

“Media can be a force for good,” said C-SPAN founder Brian Lamb. “We have always thought of our programming as key to an informed electorate and a healthy democracy but, in the 21st century, it also has potential as birth control.”

About D.R. Hecox

Fan of the news, but not always a fan of the newsmakers. For more fun and hi-jinks, follow me on Twitter @dougfun
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