Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who was freed from captivity early this morning after having been taken hostage by Elf Liberation Army forces on Wednesday, spoke on Canadian State television Thursday evening, openly declaring war on the North Pole, elves, and even Christmas itself.
“My fellow Canadians. As you know, I was kidnapped yesterday and held as a hostage by ELA terrorists, in some warehouse in Montreal for half of a day, eh?” Harper stated at the top of his speech. “Canada tried to resolve the conflict between us and the North Pole peacefully, but they took it upon themselves to escalate this situation to the point where Canada is left with no other options. We’re going to war, buddy. I hereby declare war on the North Pole and any nation that chooses to side with them.
“We are aboot to embark on a great crusade, eh? The North Pole is Canada’s, by rights. It’s a part of our land. Those North Poleans, Santa and his dirty elves, claim they were there before us, but Canada has been around for thousands of years, buddy. It was our land before it was your land, eh? And you’re aboot to learn the hard way that Canada may be polite, but we’ll politely kick the shit out of you if you refuse to give us what is ours by rights!”
The audience in attendance roared in approval before Harper continued. “This isn’t just a war on the North Pole, buddy. This isn’t just aboot our land. This is a war on Christmas, too. A war on American capitalism trying to destroy Canadian ideology and strangle our people to death, eh? It’s a war on `Black Friday,’ on Santa and Obama trying to force us to spend hundreds or even thousands of loonies, or God help us, toonies, just to keep our families safe and happy. Well I say, screw that buddy! It’s aboot time the West learn that Canada will not bow to their will! DEATH TO AMERICA! AND DEATH TO CHRISTMAS!!!”
President Barack Obama released a statement to the press in response to Harper’s declaration of war just moments after Harper’s speech ended. “Santa Claus has asked the United States to not get involved, so we will respect his request for as long as we’re able. But we will send aid to ELF (Elf Liberation Front) forces, and what remains of the ELA (Elf Liberation Army). And let me be clear… the United States shares a long border with Canada. Any Canadian act of aggression will be met harshly and swiftly by the most powerful military force the world has ever known. I’m asking you once, and only once, Prime Minister Harper… back down. Back down now.”
PTP will follow Canada’s “war on Christmas” as the story continues to develop.