Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was freed from captivity early this morning at approximately 5 am, roughly 14 hours after Elf Liberation Army forces kidnapped him from 24 Sussex Drive in Ottawa after a daring raid. Harper’s freedom came after a prisoner exchange ended with two captured ELA leaders being assassinated.
According to numerous State media reports, Canadian military officials reached out to the ELA Wednesday evening, arranging a deal where Canada would phase back their occupation of the North Pole over the next three days, and allow elven refugees in the United States to cross the border and reclaim their lands, on the condition that Harper be immediately released from custody.
After several hours of tense negotiations, Canada agreed to free Fizzle Tinkerbottom and Biffy Sprocketcog, two elven North Polean nationals that helped organize the ELA earlier this month, who were captured last week while attempting to blow up Canada’s Parliament building. Canada also promised to release nineteen other ELA members once Harper was free.
But when the exchange occurred early this morning, Canadian snipers opened fire on Tinkerbottom and Sprocketcog, as well as several other ELA members at the exchange site in Montreal. Both ELA leaders and eleven other elves were killed in the Canadian ambush.
The news only grew more dim for the ELA in the hours that followed. Canadian Air Force planes bombed eight buildings in the North Pole and six in Canada that they believed were hideouts for ELA forces. Canadian Mounties also raided a refugee camp along the Elf Road, where they captured and executed 27 elves allegedly tied to the organization. And Pentagon officials in the United States are claiming that Canadian special forces may have crossed the US/ Canada border to strike at six ELA leaders hiding out in an elven refugee camp in Minnesota.
Leaders of ELF (the Elf Liberation Front), told American journalists today that the ELA is “almost entirely wiped out” after all of the Canadian actions from the past several hours. “Our friends in the ELA are mostly gone now. ELF is now the more powerful of the two North Pole underground resistance movements. And we do have every intention of carrying on and picking up right where the ELA left off. Don’t get too comfy, Stephen Harper… we’re coming for you! Viva la Revolución!“
Canadian officials say Harper is “shaken, but healthy,” and will be making a “very special announcement” later this evening. Canadian Parliament insiders claim that Harper may be making Canada’s war on Christmas “official,” with a formal declaration of war on the North Pole. Though our analysts believe this is highly unlikely, as all-out war would most likely lead to UN, NATO, and US intervention.
PTP will keep you updated as the Canadian War on Christmas saga continues!