Yahoo! News recently reported that inmates at the nefarious Guantanamo Bay military prison have been using yoga to combat feelings of deep depression and despair. But this week, PTP uncovered a far more serious problem at “Gitmo” than the threat of suicide… according to guards and other staff at the facility, many of the 155 indefinitely-detained prisoners have become hipsters.
Psychological and medical staff at Gitmo claim they started seeing signs of “hipsterism” in the inmate population going as far back as 2004, two years after it was opened. Some allege the hipster trend stems from the United States’ torture policies from that time; that US military personnel may have intentionally forced “transformations” on a few of the inmates, driving them into becoming hipsters with the goal of alienating them from other inmates.
“Turning these prisoners into hipsters might seem like cruel and unusual punishment, but really, it was the safest way to get inmates to stop talking, without turning to violence,” explains a memo from 2011 that was sent to the White House, and revealed by Wikileaks last year. “Hipsters are obnoxious. No one enjoys talking to them, other than other hipsters of course. So this program might be viewed as positive social engineering. At the end of the day, all we really care about is saving lives.”
“The framework was already there to make these prisoners into hipsters. They just needed a little push,” explained one Gitmo officer, whose identity is classified. “They had beards, they supported a losing cause, and none of them owned televisions, making it really, really easy for us to nudge them toward becoming hipsters. They took to it almost instantly.”
But a decade later, hipsterism is spreading rapidly through Guantanamo Bay. Whereas only 9 inmates were classified as hipsters in 2004, 89 of the 155 inmates are hipsters today, and that number is apparently growing week after week.
“These inmates are starting to cost taxpayers more money that the White House or the Pentagon are willing to dish out,” explained another anonymous Gitmo officer. “It’s costing us a fortune to ship in all of this Pabst Blue Ribbon, the American Spirit cigarettes, and all these ironic t-shirts and knitted scarves. And don’t even get me started on all of the music! We used to wake up hearing the Islamic morning prayer song. Today, it’s bands like `Modest Mouse’ and `Grizzly Bear.’ I’m a guard, for crying out loud. It’s not me that should be getting tortured.”