WASHINGTON [Jan. 21, 2014] – In anticipation of the President’s State of the Union address next Tuesday, Republican budget hawks announced plans in Congress today to reveal a strict program of belt-tightening to reduce the nation’s $17 trillion debt.
According to insiders, the GOP recommendations include a moratorium on production of the Lincoln one-cent piece which – according to the U.S. Mint’s 2013 annual report – has lost money on every penny made in each of the last eight years, and asking other countries to pay us in exchange for not invading them.
“Countries like Switzerland, Mauritania and Belgium have gotten a free ride for too long,” said a Budget Committee staff member familiar with the proposal. “The free world isn’t ‘free’ anymore.”
Republican spokespeople were quick to point out they are not advocating war. “We don’t want to put American boots on the ground,” said one. “We don’t even want to deport the Devil Baby to them, but it’s really up to those other countries. What’s the price for peace? That’s a question only those other countries can answer.”
Other plans include the manufacture and distribution of crystal meth. “We’ve all seen ‘Breaking Bad,’ and recognize the great potential for profit to be made through illegal drugs,” said a spokesman. “Tough times require tough decisions. Surprisingly, this one wasn’t that tough.”
It remains to be seen whether the GOP plan will include a much-discussed congressional sex tape. “Everyone agrees a sex tape will make money,” said one, “but it’s unclear whether it will be more profitable as a pay-per-view sex tape or putting it on every channel and charging people NOT to see it.”
“Maybe we’ll do both. At this rate, America can’t afford NOT to have video featuring congressional leaders in a variety of sexually explicit positions,” he added. “At the very least, it will help C-SPAN during ‘sweeps’ week.”
“Since this Administration is focused on spending America into the poor house, and seems completely unwilling to consider one of those debt consolidation services,” said House Budget Chairman Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.), “it’s up to House Republicans to save the day. Emphasis on ‘save.’”
Others said they agree.
“Letting the nation default on its debts, as President Obama is doing, and calling the inevitable worldwide market collapse a ‘teachable moment,’” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.), “isn’t an education America can afford.”