In an astonishing media blitz Wednesday morning, a troupe of seven Capitol Hill staffers revealed that for the GOP’s official response to President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address on January 28th, House Speaker John Boehner and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor have chosen to forego tradition, hiring an actor portraying Jesus Christ to deliver what they’ve described behind closed doors as “a sermon of conservative morals and ideology.”
Outraged by the offensive concept of Jesus involving himself in contemporary American politics, the staffers, mostly from the offices of Boehner, Cantor, and RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, banded together to reveal what they describe as “the most vile and despicable act of political mudslinging in US history,” while also revealing they handed in letters of resignation in protest.
According to the staffers, Jesus Christ, played by an off-Broadway actor and part-time magician, will read from a carefully-crafted script penned by Boehner, Cantor, Priebus, and a team of professional speechwriters. The speech will take shots at Democrats, praise the GOP’s government shutdown in October of 2013, and push pro-Republican campaign messages for hotly-contested congressional seats.
An excerpt from the draft of the speech, which the staffers have handed out to all of the major media outlets, shows just how offensive, inaccurate, and hypocritical the State of the Union response will be.
“If I chose to return to the mortal world tomorrow, it’s obvious I would want to be an American citizen, because America is the greatest nation on… well… my green Earth,” the Jesus impersonator is scripted to say. “But Democrats don’t want me to come back. They don’t want you to believe in me, either. They think America is a `secular’ nation. That’s a fancy way of saying America isn’t the good, Christian nation we all know it is. They hate America. They hate me. And that’s why we need to work together in 2014 to elect Republicans and put an end to their heathenisms.”
“If I came back tomorrow, I would definitely be a Republican, and for obvious reasons,” the script continues. “If you read the Bible, you’ll see that the Republican party is the very embodiment of everything I taught my disciples. Love your neighbor, so long as they vote like you and think like you. Don’t help the poor, because they’re lazy and shiftless and should be helping themselves. Health care should put doctors and insurance executives first, ahead of patients, and there’s no such thing as so-called `out of control health care costs.’ And don’t even get me started on the gays!”
Officials from the GOP have not yet reacted to the staffers’ coup de tat, though rumors are now quickly circulating around DC that Boehner will probably cave into Tea Party demands and have the response delivered by the one man more Christ-like than Jesus himself… Ted Cruz.