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Obama assures world that NSA spying won’t affect foreign relations

Barack ObamaIn interviews with foreign media outlets that aired on both Saturday and Sunday, President Barack Obama made assurances to world leaders that the United States’ controversial domestic and foreign spying programs would in no way strain foreign relations or damage ties with America’s friends overseas.  But some are claiming Obama’s statements may have helped to prove just how deep those programs dig.

“Now uh, let me be clear.  These programs will in no way, shape, or form negatively impact the United States’ relationships with our friends and allies overseas,” Obama claimed in one of the interviews.  “The intelligence we’re gathering from our NSA spying is already paying out in dividends and saving lives.  And if we learn of an impending disaster on foreign soil, we will take every measure imaginable to warn those respective foreign agencies so they can better prepare.”

“Let me give you an example,” Obama continued.  “German Chancellor Angela Merkel is someone I consider to be a friend.  So when I heard her talking on the phone with someone in her family, saying that she just started watching `Game of Thrones,’ I made sure to use that intel positively, and call her to warn her about all of the tragic, heartbreaking stuff that happens in season three.

“I think she’s really glad I did that.  She called it `giving spoilers,’ and that’s the perfect way to describe it.  `Spoiling’ terrible events before they can transpire.  Some in my staff think her yelling and screaming was because she was angry, but that’s just how German people talk.  Don’t be racists, guys.”

Obama went on to offer other examples of how the spying program is bolstering international relations.  “No one in the media is really talking about this, but all of the scandal surrounding French Francois Hollande was actually broken by the NSA,” Obama explained.  “It was America’s spying network that led the world to finding out what he was up to.  I even have a digital audio recorder here with evidence of his affair, and the reaction we got from `First Lady’ Valerie Trierweiler.”

Obama then played the recording.  Loud moaning, screaming, barnyard animal noises, and what sounded like a whistle slide could be heard, followed by Trierweiler scream-crying and begging President Obama to stop playing the recording for her.

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