Monday evening, Santa Claus delivered a heartfelt speech in which he asked the United States and Canada to find a peaceful resolution to Canada’s War on Christmas. Santa, who spoke from the White House, where he’s been staying as a guest since the start of the war, was adamant about finding peace quickly, so that he’d have time on Tuesday evening to prepare for his famed yearly flight around the globe.
“This war has only been fought for less than a month, but already it has gone on too long. Thousands of humans and tens of thousands of elves have lost their lives. Enough is enough,” Santa began. “It is time for both sides to lay down their arms and find a peaceful resolution to this crisis, so that the children of the world can enjoy Christmas. Well, unless they Muslims or Jews. They don’t get to have Christmas.”
“I have a suggestion here where everyone might win,” Santa continued. “Canada wants the North Pole, but the North Pole is an independent and free nation. Yes, I’ve been in power there longer than the Castro family has ruled Cuba, and yes, elves do tend to call me `the Beard,’ but that’s not a fair comparison. Anyway, back to the subject at hand, my solution is this: We keep our North Polean independence, now and forever, but we vow that Christmas deliveries will happen in Canada first. We’ll also allow Canada to build a Labatt’s Blue factory at the North Pole, staffed by elves who will use their magic to make the beer taste good to non-Canadians for the first time ever, which in turn will make Canada more money.
“Meanwhile, Canada needs to pay war reparations to the North Pole and the United States, for all the harm they’ve caused. They also need to allow UN inspectors into the country, and allow NATO the right to protect the Elf Road, so refugee elves in the United States can return to their native lands.”
“I think this is a fair deal, and everyone wins. The North Pole keeps our independence, Canadian beer stops sucking, the US is compensated for their contributions to keep the world safe… it’s a win-win-win, if you will. What really matters to me most is that the death and carnage come to an end, and that we celebrate Christmas as we’re supposed to… with lots and lots of presents.”
Neither US President Barack Obama or Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has commented on Santa’s requests, yet, but PTP will be following this story intensely as it continues to develop!