Santa Claus has been making his list and checking it twice… but the NSA has a list, too, and Jolly St. Nick is definitely on it. According to famed spy agency whistleblower Edward Snowden, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls, emails, radio transmissions, and other communications sent to and from the North Pole, including scans of millions of letters sent by the world’s children.
Unlike most world leaders, who’ve been kept in the dark about the NSA’s operations, Nicholas “Santa” Claus, who is currently in stable condition in an undisclosed Colorado hospital after having recently been shot down by the United States Air Force while test-piloting a new sled, was made aware of the NSA spying efforts in April of 2013, and agreed to cooperate with the United States government on the condition that he never be asked to deliver presents to the home of Sarah Palin and her family. That deal may be strained, however, since Santa’s experimental new sleigh was shot down on Saturday.
Snowden, who denies being part-elf even though his name, “Snowden,” is obviously North Polean, revealed the deal between Santa and the NSA during an interview on a Russian talk show Wednesday Morning. “I don’t know many of the details involved in the deal, but I know they made it, and Santa had sent envoys of elves to Washington DC back in the Spring to hammer out the final technological kinks. I was even involved on the ground level a bit, but I can’t say anything else about that.”
NSA Director (Gen.) Keith Alexander openly admitted the spy operation was taking place, when asked by CNN’s Wolf Blitzer this afternoon. “Look, we all love Santa Claus and cherish the work he does, delivering presents all over the world. But it can’t be denied that the North Pole, which operates completely independent as it’s own sovereign state, is ground-zero for international communications. They export more goods on one night than all the other countries combined in all of December. The implications of securing data in that country cannot be denied.”
“We did try to gain access to Santa’s famous `naughty or nice list,’ but that was not made available to us,” Alexander continued. “With that sort of list, we’d be able to track down terrorists with up-to-the-minute details, and know exactly what they’ve done wrong, with insurmountable evidence against them that any court of law, American or international, would be mad to deny. Because so far, we aren’t really getting any valuable intel out of the North Pole, probably because most of the letters sent up there are either from little kids, or from Glenn Beck.”
Doctors say Santa should be able to speak publicly sometime later this week, but wouldn’t specify an exact date. We’ll keep you updated as this sage continues to unfold!