On Friday, President Barack Obama announced significant changes to the NSA’s controversial spy program, namely that the US government will no longer collect and store telephone metadata. The move has shifted the national debate on domestic spying efforts, with many now saying Obama has made the right move, and others arguing that the changes aren’t deep enough. But one group is outraged by the changes, and have taken to lashing out against Obama’s decision: American spies.
Earlier today, PTP placed a personal phone call to Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson, to gauge his reactions to Obama’s announcement. But while waiting on hold, an NSA agent monitoring the call broke onto the line to tell us why he’s upset by the changes.
“I’m not a very political person. I don’t even vote, to be honest. But I don’t think Obama fully appreciates the true value or potential of the domestic spying program,” the anonymous agent stated. “Until he’s in the trenches with us, spying on our girlfriends and wives and eavesdropping on our exes, he shouldn’t get to make these sorts of judgment calls or criticize the excellent work we do.”
“The intelligence we gather through this program is absolutely critical to national security,” the agent continued, cutting us off when we tried to ask a question. “I don’t know who my girlfriend was giggling on the phone with yesterday, or what they were talking about. Well, I do, it was her sister, and they were joking about something their mom said, but that’s irrelevant. The real question we have to ask is, does Al Qaeda know what my girlfriend and her sister were talking about? Does Iran? Does Kim Jong Un? Did her mom plant bombs in nuclear plants? It wouldn’t surprise me, she’s a terrible woman. Do you see the value of domestic spying now?”
Again we tried to ask a question, and again the agent ploughed straight through us. “Just last week, I found out that my ex-girlfriend is worried that she might be pregnant with her new boyfriend’s kid. Can you believe that bitch? I’m sorry I don’t drive a Mercedes and haven’t gone sightseeing in South America at Machu Picchu. All I ever tried to do was love you, Stephanie, but apparently that wasn’t enough. Apparently I wasn’t enough.”
Just then, Secretary Johnson finally picked up, prompting the unidentified agent to wrap up. “So anyway, yeah, the NSA’s domestic spying program is entirely important, critical really, to national security. I don’t really see how Obama expects us to do our jobs now. What, am I supposed to Google her name and stare longingly at her Facebook profile? She defriended me after we broke up… what intel can I gather there? We need this program, President Obama. America is in constant danger without it!”