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War on Christmas levels Detroit; injuries, deaths minimal

Battle of DetroitLate Saturday evening and into Sunday morning, Canada’s War on Christmas crossed the border into the United States for a second time, after Canadian forces made a naval landing in the city of Detroit, sacking Motor City in less than twenty minutes.  The move resulted in heavy fighting all throughout the city and the region, with US and Canadian planes bombing city blocks and long-range artillery shoot-outs that lasted for several hours.

Pentagon officials say civilian casualties were kept to a minimum, largely because no one has wanted to live in Detroit for at least a decade.  City officials also say the “Battle of Detroit” has actually improved the city aesthetically, as the bombed-out ruins are easier on the eye than the foulness that stood before.  Still, President Barack Obama vowed vengeance for the attack.

“This is the largest invasion onto US soil by a foreign army since the War of 1812.  We won’t let this stand,” Obama announced, in a press conference at the White House.  “Right now, we’re in the process of planning a military response to this newest act of Canadian aggression, one that will strike fear into the hearts and minds of the Canadian people and force them to question if they really want the Harper regime to keep up this war on Christmas.”

“Now uh, let me be clear.  I won’t go into specifics about this upcoming attack.  But it’s perfectly justified, and when it happens, I’m sure the American people will agree,” Obama continued.  Christmas is only a few days away.  If we don’t force Canada into surrendering, Santa won’t be able to return to the North Pole, load up his sleigh, and make the flight he needs to make.  So Prime Minister Harper, people of Canada… I’m giving you twenty-four hours.  Lay down your arms, give the North Pole back to Santa and his elves, and allow the United Nations and NATO to inspect and protect the North Pole’s border.  Do that… or else.”

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has not yet commented on Obama’s threatening vow, but PTP will continue to follow this story as it develops, so stay tuned!

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